Two competing desires

You are probably wondering how on earth I'm going to adopt a child from Russia and finish medical school and start residency. The answer is, very simply, I'm not. I can't.  Even if I theoretically could work out the time off for trips to Russia, I just cannot justify bringing home a child from an orphanage who has had like no love or attention or consistency in her whole life and who most likely did not win the genetic lottery and say, "so sorry, sweetie. I'm going to work 80 hours a week."  No way. As much as I want to just keep pushing on through the very long and tumultuous process of medical school and residency, I just cannot be that selfish. She needs to bond with me.  And...really...staying home with my kids for a year or 8 months or something will probably help to relieve some of the mommy guilt I feel for working so much. I'm hoping to stay home with them (and I'm hoping I will love it...but will not love it too much, so that in 2 years, when I'm an intern in residency I can remember that I do, really, want to work.)

But...

The adoption is so uncertain and I just can't stop medical school. I have to continue with the process of applying to residency, of continuing my rotations, until the adoption is as certain as certain can be (Ideally, when she's living in our house) But the longer and longer we wait for a second referral (hopefully the next one will be healthy child!) the more frustrated Tim and I become at the uncertainty we are faced with. We are coming up on residency interviews and in February we will provide our ranked list of schools to "the match" and in the middle of March we will receive a lovely envelope telling us where we will be living, and at that point I am legally and contractually obligated to go to that program.  I'm not entirely certain of the problems that will present if I call them and say, "actually...can I come in 2014?" but I think there could me many..depending on the school. And I'm really hoping to not be in that place.  Plus, there is a huge part of me that WANTS to finish and match and become a doctor so that I can get through residency and start making money and working normal hours instead of making no (or very little) money and working terrible hours. Sigh....

But...

The adoption takes 4-6 months to be totally complete from the time we get a referral. And it's October. And we have no good referral. And Russia closes down from Dec 15- Jan 15. So...you do the math.  Our time is limited and we are trying to pursue to very life changing things at the time same time that...in the end...will likely be mutually exclusive in the short term.

If we have to move before the adoption is complete, we cannot proceed with the adoption anymore because our homestudy was for our particular house. And we are not applying to residency programs in Dayton. So we go back to day 1, a year and a half ago, and lose all that money. Which is a lot of money. Trust me.

With each passing day we become more anxious for a good referral, not only because we long to have a daughter but also because we long to know what our future holds.

Pray for us, as we deal with discouragement at how very long this process has become.